Missing You

Before I had Sweetness, I got pregnant four times.  I lost every pregnancy in the first trimester. Five babies total.  My third pregnancy was twins.  Twins!  I will always remember the day my OB told me.  I was very early on in the pregnancy, about 6ish weeks.  He was doing an internal ultrasound and easily found the heartbeat on the baby.  I was so excited he found it right away and thought it was a sure sign that THIS pregnancy was going to work out.  He kept looking at the screen and I got a little nervous but after a minute he said excitedly I see another heartbeat! I stared at him dumbfounded and said are you sure?! Inside my heart was pounding and I was turned toward the ultrasound monitor frantically searching for this other heartbeat. He pointed it out to me and sure enough, there it was, a beautiful flickering heart! It was then I saw them together, two teeny tiny babies nestled right next to one another.  It was the cutest thing I had ever seen in my life.

I left the Dr. office and went bouncing off to my car, I couldn’t believe the utter joy I felt at seeing my twins.  I decided that I had to tell my husband in person so I pulled out of the parking lot and headed to his office my hands shaking at the wheel.  I called my Mom on the way to tell her the good news.  You see, twins run in our family and I have fraternal twin brothers so I knew my Mom would be ecstatic. She didn’t disappoint.  My Mom was beside herself with joy.  We were practically talking over one another with excitement at these new miracles.  My Mom said my third pregnancy was twins too! How awesome.

Sadly, the twins left us much too soon for unknown reasons.

Recently, I had my yearly visit with my OB, a man I adore, and as I was driving toward home I hit the spot.  The spot where I called my Mom to tell her the news. And without permission it all came flooding back to me.  The happiness I felt, the phone call to my Mom, the ultrasound pictures, the visit to my husband to tell him about our twins.  So fresh, so raw, so sad.

That is the thing about grief, it can get you when you least expect it.  You’re driving along and it hits you hard and brings you right back to the pain instantaneously.  And it hurts but you honor it and have a good cry or at least that is what I do.

I have Sweetness in my life now and the gut wrenching pain of losing my twins (and all of my babies for that matter) has subsided but the feeling of missing them has never fully left me and I don’t think it ever will.  There is a hole there. A longing. An emptiness.

Someday when the time is appropriate, Sweetness will know about her siblings who have gone onto heaven.  And someday our family will all be together again.

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